Young

Oct. 18th, 2014 09:03 pm
dreamingfifi: (Default)
I feel so young
like everyone is running
but I'm running slower
so mature
adulthood has already begun
but
not for me
rights of passage
pass me by
I never was obsessed with boys
or girls
I didn't feel
what they felt
I could tell
because they could tell
I was confused when they tried to share their experiences with me

puberty for me was quiet
I eased into it gently
like I do with a hot bath

in many ways
I see connections between things
so easily
I map the underlying structures
spot patterns
I'm confused when others can't do this
it wasn't something I learned how to do
I always saw the world this way
but so few people see what I can
at the same time
I know that others can see things that I can't see
they seem to know the rules to socializing so effortlessly
no one had to teach them
they just know
and they are confused when I can't do this
I learned this in grade school
I spotted the patterns
I was having difficulty interacting with them because i have different tools
interacting takes so much more work for me
but i didn't understand why they bullied me for it
why they hurt me
and others
completely mystified me
what was wrong with them?
did they come with the tools for interaction
but lacked the tools for compassion?

slowly
slowly
I gained friends
I was the quiet one
who read all the time
got good grades
in highschool they had figured out what I had long ago
I had different tools than they do
they became protective of me
because I was so helpless
childlike
I knew the patterns that made a funny sex joke
but didn't know why it was funny
they were creeped out when I imitated them
because I was the innocent one
the one who shouldn't be stained with dirty humor
"What will you do when we're not there? We're afraid you won't make it without us, You're so helpless on your own."
they told me this senior year

I had my first serious relationship then
before them
even though they were ready years before me
I didn't understand that
I got married before them too
to the only person I've ever had sex with
people keep putting it on a pedestal as though that's some precious achievement
it's not.
it's just how things worked out for me
I found someone who is quiet
like I am
we connected
and decided to stay that way

I loved my highschool friends dearly
but they looked down on me
because I was missing tools
I have the ones that make me a good inventor
problem solver
scientist
linguist
but not the ones that make competent messages on the answering machine
or lets me know what is appropriate to do when asking for help
or giving it
I wonder if they're right
I struggle with debilitating depression
I fight it off
and it comes back
every time
my health suffers
sometimes
I barely move for weeks on end
doing social things becomes like diving into a pit of sharks while on the rag
I have to swim so hard and fast
that I'm completely drained
and can't move for a week
since the first depressive episode
which lasted an entire year
I've see-sawed in year long cycles
one year up
one year down
one year up
one year down
one year up
one year down
one year up
one year down

I don't think I can bring a child into this
I'm useless every other year
I can't even keep house plants alive on a down year
much less myself
how could I be a mother
if I can't take care of myself?

my friends are having babies
all over the place
it's a right of passage
for adulthood
have a family
then you're a real human
if I can't do that
does that mean I'm not a real human?

or is that just the depression talking again?

why is someone always talking for me?

July 2015

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